We write to remember our nows later.

_{-Terri Guillemets}

Around this time of year, I begin to receive reminders from WordPress that a payment will soon be due if I want to continue using this web space. Also, around this time of year, I ask myself if I care to continue writing and if it’s worth the effort or cost. I’ve been blogging here since 2017, but this isn’t the first place I began to share online. I wrote on another blog years ago, and also on social media for a time or two. I’m a creative, and my hands and brain need to be creating. But there’s something deeper and more meaningful to this blog than having a creative outlet. It has been a healing part of me that I didn’t have a name for. It all began when I read the book One Thousand Gifts – A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp. It’s an emotionally heavy book, and I nearly wept through the whole thing. While my life experiences were not the same as hers, I resonated with grief and emptiness. “Where hides this joy of the Lord, this God who fills the earth with good things, and how do I fully live when life is full of hurt? How do I wake up to joy and grace and beauty and all that is the fullest life when I must stay numb to losses and crushed dreams and all that empties me out?”, she wrote. “Our fall was, has always been, and always will be, that we aren’t satisfied in God and what He gives. We hunger for something more, something other.” “How do I give up resentment for gratitude, gnawing anger for spilling joy? Self-focus for God-communion.” It was a lot to process. Still is.

Every year, I review from the beginning why I started this blog. I go back to earlier entries, and I’m glad that they are there. I’ve come a long way since then. With renewed purpose, I keep writing, keep studying Scripture, keep sharing the stray gifts in this location, because I believe it’s a record worth keeping.

Why the name, “A Record of Graces”? In 2012, I took up the dare to live fully – and began to write as I continued to grieve several life-changing moments. I lost my mother and sister when I was 3 years old, and I forever lost a part of me. My mother died of hepatitis soon after she delivered my baby sister, who didn’t live very long. My parents were missionaries in Lima, Peru, at the time. I didn’t even know my sister’s name until my son found her birth/death certificate on a genealogy website a few years ago. And I really didn’t know who my mother was as a person until I was in my 20’s – shared through her side of the family. I felt a lot of sorrow through the years over what might have been. Half of my identity felt missing. Voskamp wrote, “God reveals himself in rearview mirrors…there are times when we need to drive a long, long distance, before we can look back and see God’s back in the rearview mirror. Maybe sometimes as far as heaven – that kind of distance. Then to turn, and see His face.”

The second life-changing moment was when we buried our stillborn youngest son, Zachary, in 2003.

Added to that in time to come was my husband’s body slowly breaking down, and more dreams needed revising. Another surgery. More physical therapy. New medications and complications. Hassles with the VA and care at times, feeling forgotten. I kept writing. I kept processing grief. I kept looking for stray gifts, miracles in every day and kept a record.

While there are things I don’t understand about God’s will and what He allows to happen, there are things I do understand, see, and hear. The stray gifts I document are His redirection of my self-focus. “Look, Rebecca, at the rare sighting of a hummingbird in the yard, flying in place for a few moments so you can take a good look. Listen, Rebecca, to the sound of eggs frying on a morning when John feels ok and starts cooking breakfast. Notice, Rebecca, that card you sent when I nudged you to make it, encouraged someone today.” There are so many ways for Him to fill up a day, a life, a heart. Trusting Him fully is more than just trusting His work on the cross and in His resurrection.

I have questioned God why He allowed certain circumstances to happen. But then I have to ask why I should be exempt from heartache when I was never promised a perfect life. No one is. I was promised, however, a Comforter, an ever-present help in times of trouble. I am coming to a place where I realize that by grace and through faith, I will be upheld. Whether I am to know His mind or not, God has His reasons. I have wished many times to be able to rewrite my story. Yet, there’s a reason why God wrote my story, and I didn’t. It is easy to get distracted and to look away from what He has promised. He always gives new grace every day for anything I face. For now, I will keep recording. I look forward to the gifts in the day and enjoy looking back, remembering there is so much to be thankful for.

Is his mercy clean gone for ever? doth his promise fail for evermore? Hath God forgotten to be gracious? hath he in anger shut up his tender mercies? Selah. And I said, This is my infirmity: but I will remember the years of the right hand of the most High. I will remember the works of the Lord: surely I will remember thy wonders of old. I will meditate also of all thy work, and talk of thy doings.

_{Psalm 77:8-12}